I had began this blog several times and have deleted it just as many times.
I am afraid. Afraid of judgement and afraid of disappointing others.
But what I feel stronger, I feel the urge to share. Be open about my experiences.
I am not writing this blog to show off and comment on how I have perfectly recovered and now I'm back to full health. No. Each and everyday there is some challenge and obstacle relating to food, body image and self esteem.
I have been fighting an ongoing battle with myself for at least 10 years. The battle has created disordered eating habits (ongoing bulimia, restricting/binging), poor self image and bouts of depression.
This began with comfort eating as a young girl, induced by anxiety from being unable to manage my emotions effectively (parents divorcing and me trying to find my true identity) to being caught up in the world of ballet where a slim and slender body image reigns. The purging and my belief of it's effectiveness fuelled an unhealthy lifestyle, all concealed and unbeknown to my close ones.
I went from desiring the slim and pre-pubescent ballerina body to overtraining and under eating and extreme dieting for fitness competitions.
Being a fighter, I had always assumed I could control my bad habits by trying to fix things on my own and suffering along the way. I have only recently come to terms with myself that the only way I can get through is by seeking help.
The revelation that I might need help (sparked by realising that all of my self help attempts to amend problems on my own failed) came up long before I even had the courage to speak to someone about my issues.
I have been grateful enough to have received CBT by a wonderful psychologist who has helped me along the way.
It has not been smooth sailing. I have relapsed and lied. I have failed and given up. I have tried and persevered.
All of these ups and downs have led me to this very position where I feel it is OK to be vulnerable, it's OK to not feel okay, it's OK to be flawed and it's OK to share your story.
Through my recovery, yoga has aided me in learning how to truly accept myself. It's has had me face myself when I was putting so much effort into running away from my challenges.
Yoga can have the power of truly making you more aware. More aware of your body, your mind and your senses.
I went to India on a journey with my purpose to 'just' go to complete my teacher training.
Into our daily program, Yoga Nidra was part of our practice. I had an extremely insightful and talented teacher Sunil Sharma, who encouraged us to peel off the layers and delve deeper into our true authentic being whoever that might be. I remember crying every single day for 1 month straight.
I was releasing pain and surrendering to seeking help and guidance.
I had been blessed to be intuitive enough to seek this space in India where on the surface I assumed that it was just going to be a month of physical practice, I think I knew deep down why I was going there - my purpose was to heal.
Years later, I again embarked on another training, Pre & Post Natal Yoga led by Sally Parkes. Doing this training with women I felt more empowered and more connected than I ever had in my whole life (The beautiful and incredible Shakti power!!!!), it is then I felt brave and strong enough to share my story on social media. At this stage I was seeing my therapist and felt inspired enough to speak out after experiencing some improvement in my condition and happiness.
Now teaching yoga and practicing Reiki, these tools help me when I am feeling challenged by my old habits which can still affect me from time to time.
I have been blessed to be graced with an amazing husband who is my teacher and inspiration to become a better me.
By learning to be truly vulnerable and open, I am getting better at accepting what life can bring.
Throughout this blog, my posts will vary.
From everything and anything about being a woman (in my experience to this date)
I hope to reach and connect with as many people that I had in my previous travel blog. This one is more personal, more true and authentic.
Brittany x
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