My Story: Pregnancy Loss

Yoni Mudra

*A very personal story about my recent pregnancy loss

Trigger warning to those sensitive to this issue

When I found out I was pregnant, I had only told a few of the closest people to me. Even though when I found out I was only nearly at 6 weeks, my mind instantly shifted to a more maternal and nurturing me.

The news excited us!
I am thankful that he was supportive and reassuring, I felt safe and secure within our relationship to move forward with this journey.
Being in an Islamic country, we had to wed. We were engaged so it was in the process anyway, just a little bit of a kickstart. Fortunately in a neighbouring country the ceremony was easily done and so we began planning a quick trip away the following fortnight.
As I was cabin crew, it is illegal to be crew and be pregnant working on board. I hadn't finished my contract yet so therefore I was not able to be granted maternity leave (4 months that they offer after the end of 3 years service). I had an option to keep flying and hide my pregnancy or make a choice to leave immediately. The job itself was a stress on my body, I wasn't happy flying anymore and for my partner and I we debated the risks of continuing to fly and we figured out since I wanted to leave shortly it's best I leave now being pregnant.

So, wedding plans were in order. Our relationship was flourishing. I quit my job effective immediately. My purpose was to focus on staying healthy and happy.
(Not to mention all the rest of the exciting forward planning that was going on in my mind!)

The day after I finished my job, I remember waking up that morning feeling very uneasy in the stomach. I thought maybe just constipation discomfort.
I was resting all morning and noticed my stomach wasn't feeling 'normal'. I dismissed it.
Needing to use the bathroom frequently, I wiped and noticed a few spots of brown blood. My instant reaction was to jump to google... It was possible that brown spotting didn't mean fresh blood, it could have been old blood that was making it's way out.
I was feeling really off now, more so mentally.
Going to the bathroom again I kept wiping, just the smallest amount of brown spotting still. I continued to reassure myself it will pass and everything is fine.

Later that evening I felt okay and I went to the store with my partner, I sat at a coffee shop.
My partner was in a shop and returned to find me turn pale as he approached me.
I was sensing I was bleeding at that moment. I was shaky and in shock, my partner came over quickly and asked me if I was okay, I instinctively knew that something was wrong.
We went home and I lay down, being very conscious of a dull and light cramp that was in my stomach.
I used the bathroom once again and at this time, I knew that this wasn't just a light spotting. I had miscarried.
I looked into the toilet bowl and felt my stomach literally drop - Never had I felt such a loss in every sense of my mind and body.

I remember the emotions that came to my head; shame, guilt, shock...

I walked out to the living room to tell my partner. I thought, 'How do I word this?'
I told him with little words, more with my tears. He came over and hugged me. I felt incredibly sorry that I brought this news to him.

The next few days I felt myself go into a whirlwind of emotion and thoughts.
From a moment I felt guilty that my unhealthy past and karmic actions have reared their ugly head and that this was somehow my fault. I also thought about how the flying and stress I had put my body under in the past month that I should be to blame. I couldn't believe that when for the first time in my life I felt ready to embark on this journey and that I was at my most stable health that my body rejected creating one of my own.

I had to pick myself up. I realised that this is a defining experience to learn from!

I tried very hard to rid of the guilt and instead, practised acceptance.
I reminded myself that I really did believe that this event has presented a new opportunity for me.
New beginnings in every sense.
Marrying my wonderful partner, and seeing from this that we are strong and we pull together to make things work.
Leaving my job as cabin crew that was really affecting my wellbeing, I am now able to pursue my career enjoying what I do.
Connecting to myself, healing and cleansing.

I remember seeing a tarot card reader last year. She told me this man that I am with, I will stay with and we will marry.
She also told me I will have several pregnancies including losing some.
She actually did say to me 'Do not let these miscarriages get you down. The timing is just not right and the loss of pregnancy is the ultimate purge of all negative energy and past experiences that you have carried around.'

At the moment nearly a month on, I am occasionally having moments of sadness but I truly do believe that this is an awakening and cleansing for me to grow and move forward.

I am grateful for my wonderful partner and also the incredible Womb Yoga Teachings that one of my mentors introduced me to during Pre/Post Natal Yoga Teacher Training.
I have been using Womb Yoga and Womb Blessing meditations to heal and recover.
I will be posting in the next few days on how and why Womb Yoga is an incredible practice and addition to your daily life as a woman, plus also adding some examples of meditations and mudras to help honour your womb space (even if you don't have a womb!).

Love B x

Recipe: Easy Chia Pudding

While I was struggling with my ED, I found it really difficult to nourish myself with a healthy a filling breakfast in the morning. 

Now knowing that having a meal in the AM that fuels and energises me actually DECREASES my chance of binging and overeating later in the day. 

I have found through trials and tribulations that it's super simple to prepare something quick the night before and have it on hand first thing in the morning to eat on the go if you're lacking time. 

If you're like me and suffer from severe 'Hanger" (Hunger AND Anger 😅) follow this amazing recipe to help lighten your mood and prepare you for your day. 

INGREDIENTS:

1 x can of light coconut milk

1/2 cup of chia seeds

honey or stevia to add for flavour

METHOD:

Simply mix the coconut milk & chia seeds in a bowl or mason jar with added honey or stevia to taste then refrigerate overnight! 

Ensure the seeds have turned jelly-like

Make it extra delicious the next day by adding fruits and toppings for some variety

My Story: A Bit About Me

I had began this blog several times and have deleted it just as many times. 

I am afraid. Afraid of judgement and afraid of disappointing others.  
But what I feel stronger, I feel the urge to share. Be open about my experiences.
I am not writing this blog to show off and comment on how I have perfectly recovered and now I'm back to full health. No. Each and everyday there is some challenge and obstacle relating to food, body image and self esteem. 

I have been fighting an ongoing battle with myself for at least 10 years. The battle has created disordered eating habits (ongoing bulimia, restricting/binging), poor self image and bouts of depression. 
This began with comfort eating as a young girl, induced by anxiety from being unable to manage my emotions effectively (parents divorcing and me trying to find my true identity) to being caught up in the world of ballet where a slim and slender body image reigns. The purging and my belief of it's effectiveness fuelled an unhealthy lifestyle, all concealed and unbeknown to my close ones. 
I went from desiring the slim and pre-pubescent ballerina body to overtraining and under eating and extreme dieting for fitness competitions. 

Being a fighter, I had always assumed I could control my bad habits by trying to fix things on my own and suffering along the way. I have only recently come to terms with myself that the only way I can get through is by seeking help.
The revelation that I might need help (sparked by realising that all of my self help attempts to amend problems on my own failed) came up long before I even had the courage to speak to someone about my issues. 
I have been grateful enough to have received CBT by a wonderful psychologist who has helped me along the way. 
It has not been smooth sailing. I have relapsed and lied. I have failed and given up. I have tried and persevered.

All of these ups and downs have led me to this very position where I feel it is OK to be vulnerable, it's OK to not feel okay, it's OK to be flawed and it's OK to share your story.

Through my recovery, yoga has aided me in learning how to truly accept myself. It's has had me face myself when I was putting so much effort into running away from my challenges. 
Yoga can have the power of truly making you more aware. More aware of your body, your mind and your senses.
I went to India on a journey with my purpose to 'just' go to complete my teacher training. 
Into our daily program, Yoga Nidra was part of our practice. I had an extremely insightful and talented teacher Sunil Sharma, who encouraged us to peel off the layers and delve deeper into our true authentic being whoever that might be. I remember crying every single day for 1 month straight. 
I was releasing pain and surrendering to seeking help and guidance. 
I had been blessed to be intuitive enough to seek this space in India where on the surface I assumed that it was just going to be a month of physical practice, I think I knew deep down why I was going there - my purpose was to heal. 
Years later, I again embarked on another training, Pre & Post Natal Yoga led by Sally Parkes. Doing this training with women I felt more empowered and more connected than I ever had in my whole life (The beautiful and incredible Shakti power!!!!), it is then I felt brave and strong enough to share my story on social media. At this stage I was seeing my therapist and felt inspired enough to speak out after experiencing some improvement in my condition and happiness. 

Now teaching yoga and practicing Reiki, these tools help me when I am feeling challenged by my old habits which can still affect me from time to time. 

I have been blessed to be graced with an amazing husband who is my teacher and inspiration to become a better me. 
By learning to be truly vulnerable and open, I am getting better at accepting what life can bring. 

Throughout this blog, my posts will vary. 
From everything and anything about being a woman (in my experience to this date)

I hope to reach and connect with as many people that I had in my previous travel blog. This one is more personal, more true and authentic. 


Brittany x