My Story: Pregnancy Loss

Yoni Mudra

*A very personal story about my recent pregnancy loss

Trigger warning to those sensitive to this issue

When I found out I was pregnant, I had only told a few of the closest people to me. Even though when I found out I was only nearly at 6 weeks, my mind instantly shifted to a more maternal and nurturing me.

The news excited us!
I am thankful that he was supportive and reassuring, I felt safe and secure within our relationship to move forward with this journey.
Being in an Islamic country, we had to wed. We were engaged so it was in the process anyway, just a little bit of a kickstart. Fortunately in a neighbouring country the ceremony was easily done and so we began planning a quick trip away the following fortnight.
As I was cabin crew, it is illegal to be crew and be pregnant working on board. I hadn't finished my contract yet so therefore I was not able to be granted maternity leave (4 months that they offer after the end of 3 years service). I had an option to keep flying and hide my pregnancy or make a choice to leave immediately. The job itself was a stress on my body, I wasn't happy flying anymore and for my partner and I we debated the risks of continuing to fly and we figured out since I wanted to leave shortly it's best I leave now being pregnant.

So, wedding plans were in order. Our relationship was flourishing. I quit my job effective immediately. My purpose was to focus on staying healthy and happy.
(Not to mention all the rest of the exciting forward planning that was going on in my mind!)

The day after I finished my job, I remember waking up that morning feeling very uneasy in the stomach. I thought maybe just constipation discomfort.
I was resting all morning and noticed my stomach wasn't feeling 'normal'. I dismissed it.
Needing to use the bathroom frequently, I wiped and noticed a few spots of brown blood. My instant reaction was to jump to google... It was possible that brown spotting didn't mean fresh blood, it could have been old blood that was making it's way out.
I was feeling really off now, more so mentally.
Going to the bathroom again I kept wiping, just the smallest amount of brown spotting still. I continued to reassure myself it will pass and everything is fine.

Later that evening I felt okay and I went to the store with my partner, I sat at a coffee shop.
My partner was in a shop and returned to find me turn pale as he approached me.
I was sensing I was bleeding at that moment. I was shaky and in shock, my partner came over quickly and asked me if I was okay, I instinctively knew that something was wrong.
We went home and I lay down, being very conscious of a dull and light cramp that was in my stomach.
I used the bathroom once again and at this time, I knew that this wasn't just a light spotting. I had miscarried.
I looked into the toilet bowl and felt my stomach literally drop - Never had I felt such a loss in every sense of my mind and body.

I remember the emotions that came to my head; shame, guilt, shock...

I walked out to the living room to tell my partner. I thought, 'How do I word this?'
I told him with little words, more with my tears. He came over and hugged me. I felt incredibly sorry that I brought this news to him.

The next few days I felt myself go into a whirlwind of emotion and thoughts.
From a moment I felt guilty that my unhealthy past and karmic actions have reared their ugly head and that this was somehow my fault. I also thought about how the flying and stress I had put my body under in the past month that I should be to blame. I couldn't believe that when for the first time in my life I felt ready to embark on this journey and that I was at my most stable health that my body rejected creating one of my own.

I had to pick myself up. I realised that this is a defining experience to learn from!

I tried very hard to rid of the guilt and instead, practised acceptance.
I reminded myself that I really did believe that this event has presented a new opportunity for me.
New beginnings in every sense.
Marrying my wonderful partner, and seeing from this that we are strong and we pull together to make things work.
Leaving my job as cabin crew that was really affecting my wellbeing, I am now able to pursue my career enjoying what I do.
Connecting to myself, healing and cleansing.

I remember seeing a tarot card reader last year. She told me this man that I am with, I will stay with and we will marry.
She also told me I will have several pregnancies including losing some.
She actually did say to me 'Do not let these miscarriages get you down. The timing is just not right and the loss of pregnancy is the ultimate purge of all negative energy and past experiences that you have carried around.'

At the moment nearly a month on, I am occasionally having moments of sadness but I truly do believe that this is an awakening and cleansing for me to grow and move forward.

I am grateful for my wonderful partner and also the incredible Womb Yoga Teachings that one of my mentors introduced me to during Pre/Post Natal Yoga Teacher Training.
I have been using Womb Yoga and Womb Blessing meditations to heal and recover.
I will be posting in the next few days on how and why Womb Yoga is an incredible practice and addition to your daily life as a woman, plus also adding some examples of meditations and mudras to help honour your womb space (even if you don't have a womb!).

Love B x